Q & A With Erica Manfred, Author of He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40
Why are women the ones who initiate divorce in two thirds of over-fifty divorces?
E.M.People assume it’s older men who leave, usually for younger women.
An AARP survey found that older women initiate divorce due to infidelity, alcoholism or abuse. Older men might fool around with younger women, but it’s their wives who get fed up and leave. Life changes like retirement can trigger divorce, when a man who hasn’t been around for 25 years is all of a sudden is there all the time, and bad habits that she’d always managed to live with become really oppressive to his wife. There’s also the “lump on the couch” syndrome where older men just retreat into depression and spend all their time watching TV. Older wives want to go places, do things, have fun and lead an active life, they’re tired of having no emotional connection with their husbands.
If a woman has never had a career and she’s over fifty, how does she get on her feet and establish a life for herself?
E.M. Going back to school is probably the best way. There are lots of careers that aren’t dependent on age, and don’t require four-year degrees, especially in the medical area. Community colleges offer many one and two year courses that lead to careers. Taking civil service tests is another good avenue because it doesn’t matter if your experience was 20 years ago, as long as you have some.
What’s worse, death or divorce? I hear this has been discussed extensively on your blog.
E.M. I contend that divorce is worse. There are support systems for widows, people feel sorry for you and bring casseroles. No one brings casseroles when you get divorced; in fact people may start avoiding you like divorce is catching. Plus your not so dearly departed is busy getting invited to dinner parties because he is that rarity, single guys over 50, while you are fighting the demographic odds when looking for love. Financially widowhood is a whole lot easier as well; you don’t have to split any assets. Plus you can treasure all those happy memories. Divorce tends to erase happy memories.
How do you start dating again when your body has started sagging and divorce has wrecked your self-esteem.
E.M. All the women I interviewed lost weight, started going to the gym or exercising like crazy, got manicures, pedicures, new hair colors, makeovers. Buying a new wardrobe helps. Aside from that, act “as if” you’re devastatingly sexy even if you don’t feel that way. Make believe you’re Susan Sarandon or Madonna even if it feels silly. It works.
What is dating like after divorce when you’re over 50?
E. M. Nothing has changed since high school, except now you want to get laid more than he does, but you still have to play hard to get. Depressing but true. Remember the guys you’re dating came of age in the 50s and 60s and they’re not used to getting asked out on dates. They need to do the pursuing.
What’s the most important thing an older woman needs to know?
E. M. She needs to know that she CAN take care of herself and doesn’t need a man to depend on. There is life after divorce! Many older women feel helpless on their own. They’ve depended on their husbands much too much. Older women can call the plumber or the electrician if something breaks, figure out how to balance a checkbook, and even take the car to the mechanic. It’s not rocket science. Helplessness is just an attitude, and you can overcome it.
Surviving divorce means learning you can even live happily alone if you have to. The bad news is there aren’t enough men to go around. The good news is you don’t need a man to be happy.
Erica Manfred is author of “He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40,” (GPP Life, Paperback: $16.95; available on Amazon.com). For more information about Erica and her work, please visit www.HesHistory.com or www.EricaManfred.com.